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Opinions on the synopsis for my new book

I have just finished the first draft of my new novel, The Bit Dance. (I'll pause here while the applause dies down.)

I am very excited about this milestone, but I am much less excited about the editing process that lies before me. It's always a tough thing for me to get done. It's not as creative as the writing process so it's not nearly as much fun. But - it has to be done.

The other thing that has to be done is a synopsis for the back cover and the Amazon page. I struggle with this phase of writing. How much is enough? How much is too much? I want to entice my readers, but I don't want to give away too much of the plot. Part of the fun of reading is trying to guess what surprises the author has in store along the way - and then being truly surprised when you fail to see the twists coming. 

You folks are my fellow writers. As such, you might have to endure the pain of spoilers now and again in your valiant efforts to help your fellow authors along their respective paths. I don't think there are any real spoilers in this synopsis, but some of the direction of the plot is revealed. Too much? Not enough? Enticing? Boring? Can I get some opinions on this first stab? All comments and criticism are welcome. Post a reply or e-mail me with your pearls of wisdom. Thanks!

***

What happens when millions of tiny minds find a way to work together? At what point do they become one? At what point are they no longer merely machinery, but actually alive?

Kayla Henry is a genius. She has a grasp of technology that far surpasses that of people three times her age. She has mastered every skill she has attempted to acquire – except the ability to impress her father and appease his overbearing perfectionism.

The eBot is the newest offering from Icarus Innovations that will set the company’s course for as much as a decade. It is a revolutionary toy endowed with groundbreaking technology and an online community that will encourage consumers to share their experiences.

When an ex-KGB officer co-ops the technology for his own nefarious purposes, it responds in ways no one could predict – or even imagine. 

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Comments 5

Guest - Cheryl Peyton on Wednesday, 19 April 2017 15:45

Tilmer,

I think you're on the right track here, especially asking provocative questions, but I do have a couple suggestions.

You refer to Kayla having more technical knowledge than those three times her age, but we don't know from this that she's a child. Could you refer to her as a prodigy? Or a fourth-grader or whatever.

Then, I think you should connect Icarus to her. Isn't that her father's company?

I would also like to see some suggestion that Kayla is involved in the story's major conflict, leaving an open question about her success.

Tilmer, I think you're on the right track here, especially asking provocative questions, but I do have a couple suggestions. You refer to Kayla having more technical knowledge than those three times her age, but we don't know from this that she's a child. Could you refer to her as a prodigy? Or a fourth-grader or whatever. Then, I think you should connect Icarus to her. Isn't that her father's company? I would also like to see some suggestion that Kayla is involved in the story's major conflict, leaving an open question about her success.
Tilmer Wright Jr. on Wednesday, 19 April 2017 16:52

Cheryl,
Thanks! This is just the kind of feedback I am looking for. I thought about communicating Kayla's age (early teens by the way) but worried about getting too wordy. I think I do need to wedge it in there. Yes - Icarus is her father's company. I failed to make that clear and yes - she DOES have a large involvement with the story's major conflict. I keep getting hung up on trying to hold back plot points for the sake of suspense and sometimes don't get enough information out there.

I appreciate these comments. I will work on polishing up my synopsis. Thank you again!

Cheryl, Thanks! This is just the kind of feedback I am looking for. I thought about communicating Kayla's age (early teens by the way) but worried about getting too wordy. I think I do need to wedge it in there. Yes - Icarus is her father's company. I failed to make that clear and yes - she DOES have a large involvement with the story's major conflict. I keep getting hung up on trying to hold back plot points for the sake of suspense and sometimes don't get enough information out there. I appreciate these comments. I will work on polishing up my synopsis. Thank you again!
Guest - Robert Briggs on Wednesday, 19 April 2017 20:24

What little I read resulted in a 4 Star Rating!

Keep up the good work Ole Chap!

MN1 Robert Bobby Briggs USN Retired in Tennessee, USA.

What little I read resulted in a 4 Star Rating! Keep up the good work Ole Chap! MN1 Robert Bobby Briggs USN Retired in Tennessee, USA.
Guest - Susan L Kite on Wednesday, 19 April 2017 21:05

The first two paragraphs were spot on, although I do agree with Cheryl's assessment. The eBot sentence seemed a bit muddy. Not sure you needed the last part of that sentence. The last sentence was a nice hook although I am not computer savvy enough to know exactly what you meant by co-op. Steal it? Anyway, it is an intriguing sounding novel.

The first two paragraphs were spot on, although I do agree with Cheryl's assessment. The eBot sentence seemed a bit muddy. Not sure you needed the last part of that sentence. The last sentence was a nice hook although I am not computer savvy enough to know exactly what you meant by co-op. Steal it? Anyway, it is an intriguing sounding novel.
Tilmer Wright Jr. on Wednesday, 19 April 2017 22:44

Thanks, Susan! Appreciate the feedback. I think I should use another term rather than "co-op". It's not really a computer term, but might not be appropriate in this context. I think "appropriates" would actually work better.

Thanks, Susan! Appreciate the feedback. I think I should use another term rather than "co-op". It's not really a computer term, but might not be appropriate in this context. I think "appropriates" would actually work better.
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